you say i love you boy

You say, I love you boy.
But I know you lie.

the following creative piece is inspired by the song many of horror by biffy clyro. please listen to the song here whilst reading the below!

it hurts to admit i was never yours to begin with. you look me in the eye and tell me not to worry, but how can i not when i’m constantly chasing for your love? why am i here wondering if you want to leave? why does my fleeting touch of your cheek feel so cold? why does it feel as if your mind wallows in despair everytime i assure you it’s you that i want?

i let myself fall for your pretty words, and i think to myself, perhaps those sunken eyes of emotions will learn to love me enough. i don’t know why i trust, even though my heart feels where we’re going. i choose to breathe trust into broken promises, empty words and stained truths, even though i can’t remember how to breathe after all the fighting we do. it tires me out. i’m so tired of love feeling like a battlefield instead of heaven.

it kills me everytime you say you love me and i know you don’t. i smile sweetly and tell you i love you too, but inside i’m dying. i’m screaming. i don’t know why i’m not enough. i kept fooling myself, telling myself to have faith and the next time you say it, you’ll mean it.

it’s like i’m not there in your mind. it’s like i’m fighting for your affection from where you keep me captive in your heart. you try to heal the wounds with honey mixed with salt. then the pain starts to seep through and you run.

yes – you run. without me.

it hurts. it hurts in a way i don’t know how to stop. i don’t know how to stop dreaming or imagining or hanging onto the past. my heart still believes the shattered fairytale. i don’t understand why you can’t either. tell me when i love you became a lie. i need to know it wasn’t all a lie. i want to believe it all meant something whilst it lasted. when did you stop believing?  or was i the only believer in this all? oh tell me, with your pretty little eyes and endearing smile, when did me and you become so unbearable for you to stop believing in till death do us apart?

the more we fought and tore each other apart over the petty lies, and ways we were hurting each other, the closer i thought we were getting. the closer to mutual understanding and newfound respect and the desire to remain together. each collision set us alight, blazing in anguish and misery, but we emerged from the flames, our love not scorched a bit. or so i thought…

nights spent crying, waking up with swollen eyes, and going through the week with an empty pang in my heart – it was all worth it. for you, baby, i’d sacrifice it all. i’d take all the pain, the agony, the lows, the stings of heartache because i still believed it was you and me till the end of time.

but now . . .

it’s like i’m stuck in time. and i don’t mind it because there’s nowhere else i wanna be. at least here, i’m with you. even if it’s the version of you from the bittersweet memories you’ve left behind to cherish.

i don’t want to rewind time because crossing paths isn’t a regret, but i try to fast forward life, and my dreams all seem to be an illusion when it’s missing you. the future all seems to crumble infront of my eyes, so here i am, stuck in time, stuck in the present, waiting for my love to die.

…but the problem is, i still believe it’s you and me till the end of time.

tell me, when you said i love you, did you believe it too, like i chose to? or was it only me that you fooled?