wrapping up 2023

this year was exhausting but also eye opening for me. i think it’s the year that i went through the most character development and started living selfishly for myself. i was finally learning to walk my own path, rather than one forged by others for me. i can’t recall everything that happened but here’s a brief summary of the shenanigans kiya got up to in 2023.

polite disclaimer:

this post doesn’t obey the rules of capitalisation. the lowercase letters makes everything seem less important, and therefore slightly soothe any symptons of imposter sydrome and shyness at revealing my shennanigans over the past year.

despite this disclaimer, i invite you to probe and share your thoughts and accomplishments in 2023. let’s reflect together. i like doing posts like this because it gives me a chance to pause and acknowledge what i’ve done/not done – accountability at it’s chillest form i guess.

kdramas watched:

surprisingly this year i’ve seen a decline in the time i’ve committed to netflix. it’s quite ironic considering this is the first year where i’ve been study free for almost like 90% of the time so i had substantially more free time, but i think i’ve wasted it doom scrolling or mooching around staring at walls.

• A Model Family
• Bad and Crazy
• Extraordinary Attorney Woo
• Start Up
• The King: Eternal Monarch
• Tomorrow
• Blood Hounds
• Doom at Your Service
• The Glory

unfortunately, i haven’t done the best job at tracking the tamil movies, and english shows i have also dabbled in. will do better next year! the below graph is a general summary of the last three (ish) years i think…

reading progress:

so at the start of the year, i found my reading spark and got of to a good start…and then i lost the spark and now i’m trying to reignite it. i have after months of silence, thrown myself back into booksta. it’s been super rewarding and fun, making new friends. i think i also came to a realisation that i prefer physical books. ebooks aren’t my thing; whilst it’s super affordable loaning digital books out or getting arcs, it doesn’t have the same motivation or vibe as reading an actual book. for once it my life, i’m also quite content and satisified with my insta feed. usually i struggle to create the “vision” but i think i’m happy with it. i know it’ll never be that cool, artsy, aesthetic so many of you guys have going on, but that’s okay!

spotify wrapped:

okay so it’d be like a red flag to not like discuss music briefly…

top artists:

• anirudh ravichander
  • top 0.5% fan apparently, and spent 2,736 minutes with him. oops
• taylor swift
• nf
• stephen zechariah
• dhanush

the time i spent on spotify equates to 32 days…which is kinda scary

so i went to uni…

…for a few months! earlier this year, i applied for the part time foundation certificate in english literature at the Oxford University. to be honest, it was more of a game to me – let’s see how far into the process i get, before i get thrown out. well jokes on me! got to the interview part, and then also offerred a place on the course.

i was very proud of myself and super excited. since forever, i thought studying english literature would be so self-fulfilling and provide a source of happiness and richness. however, halfway through the first term, i had a rude awakening where i realised, hold on a moment…i don’t enjoy any of this.

initially i thought it was me throwing a dramatic tantrum, but i waited it out and i was certain i had to call it quits. so i completed the first term and abandoned ship. i wasn’t enjoying the content – i felt no excitement nor was i feeling engaged in class or whilst completing independent study. the experience was also quite intense and the style of independent learning wasn’t the best fit for me. all i could think about was how i didn’t want to resent reading and writing again. reading all the critics’ essays made me want to gourge my eyes out!

career:

i qualified as an ACCA Chartered Accountant in Jan 2023. still feel like the biggest imposter ever. my title got upgraded to finance manager at work and it took me months to get IT to change my email signature because again i’m the biggest fraud ever.

to be honest, it’s just a nice fancy title that work have been super sweet and blessed me with. in reality, all i do is crunch numbers, build funky reports with nerdy excel formulas, and beat up suppliers to refund/credit sometimes six digit figures because they messed up. amongst a few other cool things. i also pretty much train and supervise my little team of three lovely ladies. i also get to hold meetings with suppliers and bully them professionally.

welp…writing all that made me realise maybe i ain’t the biggest fraud ever haha. but yeah, i feel i have grown as a person at work, and become less of a pushover tehe. also, i can’t believe i’ve gone past the five year mark at the same company! what can i say, i’m a loyal girl.

i think i sometimes get frustrated or struggle at work, because some people have ego or respect issues. they can’t handle me saying no or giving them the answer they don’t want to hear. but the moment someone else older, more senior, less female, less brown says the exact same thing…it’s accepted. like that ish, so triggering…but also super satisfying because i just sit there like told ya so.

next steps:

• i want to actually read the forensic accounting books i got and start self studying. maybe try intern in a forensic firm. start pursuing that lil girl’s dream rather than writing if off as impossible. never know till you try right?
• read so fricking much. and write reviews. post on booksta. go bookish fairs. just fall in love with reading all over again.
• write. creatively. let out all the hurt and anxiety and anger. maybe even tiptoe into the happy girl era.
• don’t commit to anything academic. really just take a break from it all, and stop pressuring myself to always be busy and working on something. instead flip it, and give all my time and attention to self made projects. get back in touch with my creative side. those sketchbooks won’t fill itself, nor will the yarn knit itself…
• take photography and editing more seriously. you know you got 10,000+ photos to work with
• music. the piano, violin, veena…girl you have so many instruments. pick them up again and fall in love with life
• brush up my language skills. get better at tamil. make sure i don’t forget german. maybe try tackling korean?

things that broke my heart:

i had to say goodbye to three people this year. that i honestly thought were my ride or die. you know people that i saw as family and would have literally done anything for them.

i hate that they put me in a position where i had to be the one to say goodbye and leave and never look back. i miss one of them so much. because it was such an unexpected ending, and i had never thought it’d happen over the reason it did. there wasn’t even an adjustment period to get used to the absence.

but in the end, i knew i had to leave. because i will never, ever, ever beg for someone’s time, love, attention, care or respect again. i finally know my self-worth and if my line is crossed, it’s game over…even if it kills me.

i find it really hard sometimes. because the little, dumb things remind me of them. like songs, or a view from a train window, or some stupid joke we used to crack that i’ve overheard in the streets. and i miss them, or the version of them i was attached to. and i sometimes wonder, what i could have done differently to prevent some bonds falling apart. but then i remind myself, it was never my fault, nor my responsbility to uphold friendships. and that sucks.

i have also pushed a lot of people out of my life, and closed the door. and the sad thing is, i don’t think that they’ve realised this. and that’s ok. it goes to show my decision to want space and distance from them was the right move. i no longer want to grant people access to the most vulnerable and intimate parts of my life, if i don’t truly feel they got my back. and when i say that, i mean i want people in my inner circle, that actually get me. that don’t make me feel “weird” for thinking, being, feeling the way i am. people who i can confide and share anything and everything with no filter. i no longer want to hide parts of myself away. because the parts i subdue are the parts that make me, me. my creative side, my deep thoughts, my dark humour, my random interests – i want it all to be embraced, and if that can’t be done, they don’t deserve a front view seat to my life.

you can bet your ass that poetry will be released soon on these topics – just waiting for the emotion to not feel so raw and salty. or i may end up shedding a tear or two.

memories:

• went to South Wales and Cornwall, and the natural beauty was amazing to soak in. never felt so at home and at peace with myself
• i helped my grandma relocate to a sheltered flat in my little village. this has allowed me to spent so much time with her. also made me realise i am capable of ish, so i don’t need to be so scared about having to one day maybe move out, and start life as an indepedent bish
• i’ve been scrapbooking so much! in my journal but also virtually on my priv insta. and making vlogs on my bookish insta too
• taking part in escapril! there was a prompt for each day, and i think i completed about 65% of the challenge. i loved reading everyone’s responses; it was great to see how one word can be interpretated and creatively presented in so many unique ways.
• rennovations on the house is going well. we moved almost two years ago, into a complete DIY house. and it’s slowly coming together. eek how exciting!
• i volunteered at a heritage railway site for a while. the plan was to learn to drive a steam train, but i quickly found out i was too weak for it. so that dream died very quickly. on the bright side, i got to do some cross keeping and signal/shunting work. which is still a random skill i now possess.
• the random friendship dates with my girls. the ones that keep me in one piece. exploring new places, and trying new cuisines. having a good therapy session but also crying with laughter and vibing to good music. live for the moments.
• there were three decisions i made this year, where it came from within. i didn’t ask anyone for advice, or reassurance. i just woke up one day and without what iffing or anxiety, committed to a decision that would change the course of my life in some kinda dramatic way. and i’m so proud of myself. for getting to this stage where every decision didn’t need signing off or approval from the bestie committe, or my family. don’t get me wrong, i would still inform them, but my attitude has changed from i need my hand held for everything to oh i can trust myself, i know what i need to do and no one needs to reassure me it’s the right thing to do. so go me i guess. character development and all woo!
• got to work on a cool few volunteer projects with the national trust that allowed me to be opinionated and express myself freely.

smoll photo dump:

the end:

i want 2024 to be the year i grow into myself, and feel confident and comfortable in everything that i do. i want to seize moments and not feel like i keep letting time slip out of my fingertips. want to spend time with the people i adore, and also make as many memories as possible, whilst also picking up new skills.

i really want to get back to being head stuck in a book girl, and lil miss writing obssessed.

i wish you all the best for the upcoming year, and if this year was a total write off, it’s ok. a new beginning is coming your way to reset everything. sending you all big, big, fluffy hugs. trust me, you want one.

let me know about what you got up to in 2023! let’s have a chat and catch up in the comments. i am here to be your number one hype girl ❤ and if you wish to get to know me better, or have a snoop at what makes me tick, you can always follow me on insta @ kiyaslibrary. if you wanna collab, send me an email. and if you find yourself liking my vibe, clicking that follow button would mean a lot to me ❤ as always, thank you for your support, and for those of you who have been here from day one, please take my heart to the freezer – you’ve melted it!

and finally, a quote i want to leave you all with which really brought me a source of comfort…

better an oops than a what if