To not care

To not care is one of the deadliest traits to possess. It is at this moment we become invincible, welding a dangerous dagger that’s ready to slice anyone – including ourself. The ones that don’t care tango with extreme highs and lows; we knock at death’s door without knowing it because we’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel. We chase and seek out things that ignite any resembleance of emotion.

Mind is numb, mind can think, yet we can’t feel. Perhaps a hint of anguish seeps through, before we get tired of trying to feel. The life we know of could collapse and we’d be fine; the dreams we slept on could become reality and our eyes would remain empty. Our hearts could be denied of love, our trust could be impaled with betrayal, what we worked for could be snatched away, and we’d remain unbothered. To not care is to be undefeated – we don’t win or loose. We’re not hungry for one thing or the other. We don’t feel enough to care, and in some ways, that’s a beautiful art. We resort to risky behaviours that skim a bit too close to danger, and that’s when we feel some sort of way; entranced we let ourselves get pulled in closer, until it’s too late.

It becomes an addiction – an obsession. We crave to feel the validation of knowing we can feel again; we’re not apathetic monsters. The assurance feels great but it never lasts long. Indifference washes over swiftly, and there we go again, chasing for the next high.

Some of us take it in our stride, and learn to remould the grenade we’ve become self-aware of. Instead of letting it implode inwards, we use it to destroy the illusions manifested by our fear driven mind. We let the dagger slash and wound the ghosts that accompany us. Lets suffocate ourselves until the poision runs dry. We all have to kill a part of ourselves somewhere to keep the part of us that does care alive. We can afford to not care about the people that are trying to handcuff us to soceital expectations, but we can’t afford to plunge the dagger into our own heart. Because if we do, 1-0 to the hand that holds the dagger.

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