Once she emerges

A/N Please be advised the following POV can be triggering.

Sometimes everything seems to be getting better but then, out of nowhere, the sickening heavy feeling takes over my body. It feels like I’m trying to steer my life from the backseat, and catch glimpses of street names from the passenger side window. I feel like I’m being kept captive, yet ironically it is myself that is holding me hostage. Amongst the darkness that residues within me, the ambitions and dreams and hopes I still cling to, feel like a misfit.

I refuse to accept the things that torment me, for when I do, I become numb to all my dreams that little me had. I take on the role of a character with a cold heart, and mindset that is unfazed by failure, and okay with loneliness. That girl learns to thrive on it, and sink into the clutches of being okay with not being okay. That girl is okay with obliterating all chances of a good life; she becomes self-destructive and toxic with a thirst for poison in the most non-lethal way.

Focussing on getting through each day, and the little victories suddenly loose it’s concept. Instead it’s acceptance of futility, and waiting for it to all crumble and my soul to surrender to the peace that is found in the aftermath.

Pure happiness or tranquillity is always blindsided when the numbed emotions and memories resurface from the deep waters. It’s like I’m drowning but I’m not fortunate enough to escape to the surface and gasp for air, nor am I able to sink to the bottom and feel absolutely nothing for the final time. Life feels like a fantasy and I just wish I could enter the real world where I can feel again, and see things in a spectrum of colours.

I don’t how else to say it; I don’t want to be caught up in this war another day, but I don’t know how to wake up and realise that everything’s going to be okay. I don’t want to smile at the world whilst instead I feel dead. I don’t want to coexist with the sadness and hurt. I don’t want to be lost in the dark anymore.

And then I think of the blooming flowers, and how grass thaws over in the winter, and the moon conquers the day during the cold season, but the sun always emerges in summer, vibrant as ever. And I remind myself, each time the darkness comforts me, and soothes me with it’s lullaby, that I have to keep slaying the demons. Until one day, I wake up and know everything’s going to be okay. I look at myself and know that girl isn’t lost forever; she’s still there, clawing her way out. And once she emerges, nothing can or will destroy her.