before i went

warning: this post can be triggering so please don’t read if you’re going through a tough time; the post covers the theme of suicide.

if you think this post is suitable for you to read, please play/listen to ‘before you go‘ by lewis capaldi before reading. it really sets the mood; let the lyrics and the meaning behind it sink in first.

the song follows the heartbreak faced in the aftermath of someone committing suicide. and the questions people ask themselves afterwards.

the poem i have written is perhaps a response to the emotions felt in the song, and someone giving their perspective before they decided to go.

i waited through painful days
for you before i went;
i was screaming at you
but why oh
why
could you not hear me?
an empty space
was what our bond
had come to
somewhat like a placeholder
of memories long gone
so what’s to miss
when i’m gone?
the memories
will still remain
with you –
if you had no words for
me
these past few years
what more could you
say when i’m gone?
you love
you love
you love but
sometimes the love
feels so absent;
i searched
so hard for it
before i went
waiting around for
something time couldn’t
recover for me.

i just wanted to
feel
you would miss me
before i went;
perhaps that would
have been enough
to make me
stay.

my heart
was pining for
love i had
misplaced amidst
the chaos in my
mind;
all i needed
was a listening
somebody
who cared
enough
to make it through
the storm
with me.
it killed me
how the parts of
me that had died
couldn’t be resuscitated
but perhaps
if you helped
instil the belief
that everything is
going to be okay,
that the torturous
pain in my being
will get better,
perhaps
i would have
stayed.

reaching out
when you’re caught up
in life
and seeing that
you’ve found
your happy place
lost in the grip
of ambition
and making
memories with
new faces
and
not wanting
to interrupt
as
the guilt
that empowers
me
whispers to me
to not be a
burden –
if you cared enough
surely you’d
notice
the downward spiral
that i have
surrendered myself to.

before i went
i replayed the
moments i could
turn to you
when reality got drunk
and blurred the lines
in my head;
before i went
i felt certain
there was nothing
to stay for.

perhaps if
i stopped caring
and gave into
the desire
to let it all
out regardless
of whether i felt
you cared enough
or not
perhaps i would have stayed.

would i be better off
if i had let the words
get lost
between my tears
and showed
you the scars
i was trying to
heal
the wounds
i was trying to
close
the thoughts i was
trying to escape
the pain i
wanted to evade
the peace i was
trying to find
and the inner
turmoil i was
attempting to reconcile?

guess we’ll never know now.

you know, you know
before i went
i kept thinking
was there something i could have
done to let you
know of the broken shards
of glass inside my
soul?
was there something
i could have done
when i’m down on
my knees
to not make
me feel as if was
begging you
to care
enough
about me?

before i went
all i wanted
was for someone
to genuinely
care about
me.

suicide is the cause of death each year for around 800,000 people.

and there’s many reasons why someone may choose that option. we all response to life events differently, we all process and feel emotions differently, we all have different support systems around us, we all have different life stories that shape how our decisions are made.

however, one significant factor that could perhaps influence someone’s decision on whether to go through with suicide, or reach out for help and recover, is how we pay attention.

most often people do not want to die. they want to escape and leave behind the pain. they’ve tried being strong for so long, sometimes it all becomes unbearable and they want relief from it. a place of calmness, peace, focus. a lot of their life may have been about survival. survival with thoughts of self-hatred, survival of carrying secrets, survival of living with memories they’ve had to bury and never address.

for some people, death could have always been a permanent lodger in their headspace. sometimes dormant, sometimes poisoning every thought and sometimes powerless. sometimes, they may not want to live but at the same time, they don’t want to die. it can become a heavy feeling as they fight against the part that’s tempted to die whilst they can’t see the light, or find within themselves the energy to keep the light in sight just a little longer. because all they feel is a battle inside their head. a battle they don’t know how to stop or win. and they’re so tired of feeling it all.

but how can we help?

showing people we genuinely care about them, and giving them the space to be open and honest without fear of judgement is a good place to start. having someone listening to you, and supporting you can change just how isolated and alone in their battle someone can feel. having someone to offer advice, rationalise thoughts, and guide them to seek professional help can improve someone’s mindset. knowing you have someone’s company through the lows and highs, someone you can turn to, really does change whether someone feels able to reach out to you or not.

also, being attentive and picking up on signs or hints they may be trying to drop can help get the conversation rolling. gently asking how they are, or challenging unusual habits gives them the opportunity to open up.

suicidal thoughts can be present in anyone’s mind. so please, look out for one another, and if you are worried about someone, please reach out to them. support them and guide them towards people who can help them. and if you’re not in a position to intervene, make someone who can assist aware.

and if you ever find yourself alone feeling unable to reach out to anyone, here’s a few places you can go to for support in the form of online chats with counsellors:

https://www.childline.org.uk/get-support/1-2-1-counsellor-chat/
https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team
https://www.kooth.com/index.html

if you do want to talk about anything i’ve discussed in this post, please feel free to reach out in the comments, or via my contact page.

kiya x