I’m scared

i think committment
scares me when i think
about it for too long;
and i’m not talking about
loyalty or always choosing
them over the temptation.

i’m not talking exclusively
about love or lust,
but rather the committment to
last whether as friends, lovers
or some kind of meaningful yet
distant bond.

how can someone that
struggles to stay committed
to themselves not be scared
of latching onto someone
so purely and then discovering
down the line they can’t
maintain that version of themselves
with consistency because
they’re burned out and loosing
the commitment of hanging
onto the threads of their identity.

and in the end i’m
scared
that i’ll have to be the
bigger person and walk
away because i want
to protect you from the
hurt as i self implode;
i’m scared i’ll cling onto
them and get through it,
but how many rough patches
before they’re exhausted
of being made to feel lonley
or ignored or tired of waiting
for the face they’re familiar
with to emerge again?

i’m scared that one
day i won’t be good enough,
i’m scared that you
deserve better,
i’m scared that you’re
selflessly sacrificing
it all,
i’m scared you’re loosing
time you can’t get back,
i’m scared i can’t
reciprocate and
provide the version
of us we
conjured up.

i’m scared that one day
you’ll wake up and i won’t
be there because i caved
and not only broke my
committment to myself
but also you.

i doubt myself
and wonder how selfish
it is to continue sustaining
these magical bonds with
people that warm
my insides when i’m scared
i’ll ruin everything one day;
the anxious part of my mind
screams to run, to let go of
everyone and let them down
now rather than moments down
the line.

i’m scared of committment
not because i don’t want
them but because i’m
worried i’ll fail
them in the end
and become the dissapointment
that i tried not to become.

what if the committment
becomes fragile and breaks because
of who i am and that thought
keeps me up at night;
is it fair to people to know
someone like me, is it false
hope to keep going,
does it make me a
semi villain?