and i’ve decided

this poem was inspired by one of jeremy zucker’s song called ‘i’m not your fucking friend.’ this song really spoke to me, as do most of his songs. in particular the line ‘darling watch me disappear, ignorance is bliss i hear, i have always been sincere to you’ stood out to me. whilst/before reading this poem, please listen to the song to set the mood.

if my name
ever crosses your
lips,
don’t call out for
me
because i’m long
gone;
if you ever
miss me,
let it sink in
and hold on tighter
to your new friends –
don’t you let them go
too.

don’t stop
by
my socials
to see how i’m doing
because if you
cared
we wouldn’t be
constantly
rainchecking
everything to do with
us;
stop right there
if you ever
think about
telling me
how i’m your
everything,
i can’t
return the words
cause darling i’m
sincere
and i’ve decided
we’re nothing
more than strangers
to each other.

i’m sorry if this
hurts
i’m sorry if you
want to call me
and i’m out
there doing my
own thing without
You;
don’t hit me up
with what’s good
or ask me if i’m down
to chill
or come running
to ask for
favours
because i’m done
observing
us.

right now
there’s nothing
to stay for;
right now
seems like a good
time to stop
being a shadow
in your world
cause i’m not
afraid to say it:

i’ve decided
that i’m not your
fucking friend
and that you
never were
mine.

the song brought back so many memories of lost friendships, or the hurt felt when coming to the realisation you’ve just lost a friendship you thought would be a forever kinda one. i understand as we grow up, we all face challenges that can cause the nature and dynamics of the friendship to alter. and i’m okay with that. but what i’m not okay with is people suddenly switching up and not being straight up with me. i appreciate honesty, and i get it, if people feel i no longer have a place in their life. i’m not one to impose my way into other’s lives.

people come and go, but it doesn’t mean we have to be so bitter about it all. because after all, at one point they gave you amazing memories, helped you grow, supported you and shared dreams with you. but it fucking hits like oof feeling so lost, not knowing where you stand, constantly juggling between giving up or trying to mend the friendship. i’m not okay with people who stop caring, and dip in and out of my life as they please whilst not acknowledging there’s no friendship label to cling to anymore.

i used to be the girl who loved with all her heart, and would take anyone in with endless chances. friendship is something i value so much. so for me, it was hard for me to let people go, or rather give up on friendships and call it a day. it was hard not to be the person someone could call whenever, and i’d be right there as an emotional support. it was hard to not be someone anyone could rely on despite any issues we may have encountered in the past. it was hard to stop caring about everyone else so much, even when i knew once i’d given them the warmth they were in search for, they’d run.

but last year, i made the conscious decision to not let people crawl back into my life. i maintained this philosophy

“just because you lost me as a friend, it doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. i’m bigger than that. i still want to see you eat. just not at my table”

and it’s a message i’ve been communicating to anyone who has popped up with the i miss what we used to have, or the what happened, you slowly stopped trying and disappeared lines. because i like to be straight up, i like to forgive people, i like to be there for people and maintain good vibes all round cause life is too short for bs. but i also like to set boundaries and make sure people respect my value. and ever since i’ve done that, i’ve felt less tied down and messed around by people.

at the end of this lengthy ramble, i guess what i hope you take away is that it’s okay to move on from people completely. it’s okay to completely close doors that otherwise left open lead to toxic cycles. it’s okay to adjust boundaries and it’s okay to make a stand for yourself. it’s okay to completely let go of people who used to be a significant part of your life. it’s okay to want the best for someone, but not want to be the one supporting them in their journey. it’s okay to care deeply for someone, but want to detach from observing from the suburbs of their life. it’s okay to want to have good vibes but not want to be all up in each others faces. it was a hard lesson to accept, but i’ve finally come to the terms that it’s not my responsibility or duty to continue being there for people when they want you to be, and then become a ghost when they don’t. i’m not a one foot in, one foot out kinda girl, so if you aren’t either, it’s okay to want to let go completely. 

it’s okay to go from friends to well wishing strangers. it’s life, and what do you know…shit happens. 

questions ||

  • what did you think of the song by jeremy zucker?
  • are you able to relate to the poem?
  • what are your thoughts on my ramble? do you agree/disagree?
  • i’m planning to do a q&a soon, so if you have any questions, leave them in the comments below!
  • if you enjoyed this, you can read my last post called my win herewould mean the world if you hit the follow button ❤ but only if you enjoy the content

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14 thoughts on “and i’ve decided

  1. Jasmin ♡ @thewriterofletters.com says:

    Ahhh I relate to this so much. I feel like in a lot of my friendships, I put in 98% of the effort and honestly it can be so tiring sometimes. Now I’ve reached the point where if they don’t want to put effort into the relationship, that relationship is not gonna grow and will probably shrink bc I’m just done with it. Still though, some friendships I tell myself are worth putting in the 100% because they’re really good friends ya know?!
    Some Qs for you to A 😉 :
    -if you had to go on a date with a book character, who would you want to go with?
    -Go-to drink?
    -What is your style like, like what aesthetic would you say it is?
    -Have you every visited another country and/or do you ever want to?
    -Favorite color and why?
    And that’s all for now! Enjoyed this post! ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • flawed_silence says:

      JASMIN I LIVE FOR YOUR COMMENTS ❤

      same, i used to also feel the same way but now i don't try to maintain friendships as much if it's not reciprocated. however, like you say, some friends may seem like a keeper so in those cases i kinda try to bring it up to them. sometimes it makes us stronger, and other times it's like a meh and then i know not to chase it.

      thank you for all the questions! super excited to answer them esp the one about which book character i'd go on a date with!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Elsie LMC says:

    I agree 100% with all that you have said, I’d hate to be on the receiving end of such powerful emotions! 😂 and yet I feel it towards certain people that I’ve distanced myself from. The gap hurts and yet I know that it would hurt more if it wasn’t there. Sometimes I don’t wish those that have hurt me well and that is something that I feel like I should work on as I don’t want to harbor resentment as that can’t be good for me deep down constantly thinking about where it all went wrong. Not wanting the past back but wanting stages where I could have asked for answers instead so as to resolve the issues and move on. Now it’s gone so far that I don’t have that chance but strangely enough that’s okay with me on some level as I don’t want that negativity or power held over me anymore. Gosh, your writing makes me want to talk! 😂 I cheated and read through your post before checking out the song so I will have to go listen to it now 💕xx

    Liked by 1 person

      • flawed_silence says:

        it’s so hard not to bop along haha! if you loved this song, i’d recommend most of jeremy zucker’s albums. he has a way of making songs that just resonate with me and catch me in my feels.

        Liked by 1 person

    • flawed_silence says:

      gosh! i’m so excited to read your thoughts and reply! thank you so much for taking the time to read and support me ❤ have you ever struggled to maintain a distance/gap because suddenly the other person wants to be buddy buddy? and if so, how did you counter it?

      it's great that you've acknowledged there may be some resentment present and that you're working to move past that all. sometimes i guess, time itself, helps bring closure. like sometimes i may have a million but why, how, whats whizzing around in my head, but once the feelings settle and time goes by and you adjust to life…it's like i'm at peace with and without the answers to everything if that makes sense?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Elsie LMC says:

        YES! I’ve felt that before as well. It’s like the relationship suddenly becomes important to them once there’s a chance that it might end and that’s not good enough. It should have been important from the get go. I kinda just let it go on until it fizzles out, I don’t know if that’s good or bad 😂 That makes total sense! Time is a great healer and gives real meaning that we cannot discover in the present moment ✨💕

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Ana Regina says:

    Omg I loved this post!!!!!!
    Yeah omg usually when I’m friends with somebody and then I stop being in contact with them and I miss them a lot, but then if they come back to my life for whatever reason I still like them a lot, but like I don’t want them back in my life. I have no idea why, I kind of don’t wanna be like that, but I feel that way, it happened also with teachers.
    Loved your ramble!!!!!! 😀
    And I have a question for the Q&A: do you get inspiration from other poets? what do you get from them, the style, topics…?
    Loved this post!!!!! 😀 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • flawed_silence says:

      YOUR COMMENT SPAM IS MAKING MY CHEEKS HURT FROM SMILING ❤ THANK YOU FOR YOUR NEVER ENDING SUPPORT ANA ❤

      i fully get you. it's like i've moved on with life and adjusted to everything without them and then they're like poof i'm back girl, did you miss me, let's reconnect and i'm just like i like you and all but like no, i'm content with my current circle?! does that make me cold hearted 😮

      thank you so much for reading till the end and giving me such a cool questions xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ana Regina says:

        AWWWWWWW NO PROBLEM MY DEAR FRIEND YOUR SUPPORT ALSO MAKES MY CHEECKS HURT 😀 😀 😀

        And I don’t wanna think we’re cold hearted, especially cause we’re thinking about it lol, maybe it’s just that we’ve moved on and we don’t wanna go through it again? idk

        and no problem girrrrrrrrrrrrllllll i’m so ahppy you liked the questions hehe, looking forward to the collab :))

        Liked by 1 person

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