my insides go all funny when i allow myself to think back on all the unwelcomed changes over my lifetime. my stomach gets all butterfly-like, and someplace in my chest freezes up whilst my mind is numb to it all. it’s ironic how my emotions are no longer fazed by the memories. no more strains of anger being contained, or tears being secretly cried; no more doubts, or wishful thinking or tearing myself up with the guilt that contradicts the desire to abandon the ship. instead, i am engulfed by indifference.
i no longer feel a n y t h i n g. no longer chase fleeting memories of joy and what could have been. long gone are the days where sadness consumed me as i grieved the death of us. no longer do i mourn the lost future. i don’t care if you left me. i don’t care if you promised you’d stay but ended up waving goodbye as you stood tongue tied in the distant, far from the clutches of me.
i used to feel so betrayed. and so wound up with all sorts of emotions i couldn’t differentiate between. then came the gradual realisation i was pining for something, a concept, that no longer ceased to exist. i could have self-combusted into a million fragments of who i used to be and you would have been none the wiser.
it was as if my life had started glitching, all the colours fading into monochrome as i went about my day, forgetting how it was to feel.
but i soon came to realise it was my win. i had escaped the claws of someone who hadn’t wanted me as much as i wanted them. i may have fallen prey to character assassination and had my heart stolen and given back to me in pieces.
yet here i am, seeing the world in harsher tones.
i like to stay in the shadows where people like you forget i exist. i like to shrug the memories off because they don’t faze me anymore. i don’t feel as much as i used to. or that’s what i like to tell myself.
because in reality, i’m just scared of giving my all to someone else. i don’t want to make it onto someone else’s hitlist. i don’t want to relive the same old same old story with somebody new, who in the end, turns out to be just like you, and you and every other person i gave my heart to.
but buried deep down somewhere amidst the chaos, is the belief that one day, someone will make me feel some kind of way, and renew my ability to believe in people again. i know i’m hurting. but i also know it won’t hurt forever. perhaps one day, i will cross paths with someone who makes me want to risk getting hurt all over again. and when that day comes, it’ll be a beautiful one.
because once again, my heart is on open market.
A/N this post is dedicated to all of us who are scared of giving our unconditional love away to friends, family, and lovers because we’ve been let down more than we care to count by people who pledged a forever kind of lasting love to us. it never gets easier, but alongside the journey of heartbreak, you will meet people who genuinely mean it when they say they’ll be your ride or die. having one real person in your life is so much more valuable than being surrounded by many people who flaunt words that fail to align with actions around.
and remember, with the right people, everything will fall into place naturally…even if deep down you are scared of opening your heart up again and making yourself vulnerable, the right people who make you feel safe, respected, will be able to connect and vibe with you easily. with time, without even realising it, you will have opened up and formed a genuine bond. and then you’ll realise despite protecting yourself from further hurt, you have it within yourself to overcome past challenges and believe in people again.
this post was partially inspired by a creative piece i read earlier this week. i had a lovely discussion on this topic with the writer, and if you’re intrigued enough, do check their post heart of stone out!
also, i’m planning to do a Q&A post soon…so if you do have any questions, leave them in the comments below. likewise, i’m open to collabing with anyone, and do have a few projects ongoing that you can get involved in. if your curiosity has been seduced, feel free to shoot me an email or drop by in the comments.