my insides go all funny when i allow myself to think back on all the unwelcomed changes over my lifetime. my stomach gets all butterfly-like, and someplace in my chest freezes up whilst my mind is numb to it all. it’s ironic how my emotions are no longer fazed by the memories. no more strains of anger being contained, or tears being secretly cried; no more doubts, or wishful thinking or tearing myself up with the guilt that contradicts the desire to abandon the ship. instead, i am engulfed by indifference.
i no longer feel a n y t h i n g. no longer chase fleeting memories of joy and what could have been. long gone are the days where sadness consumed me as i grieved the death of us. no longer do i mourn the lost future. i don’t care if you left me. i don’t care if you promised you’d stay but ended up waving goodbye as you stood tongue tied in the distant, far from the clutches of me.
i used to feel so betrayed. and so wound up with all sorts of emotions i couldn’t differentiate between. then came the gradual realisation i was pining for something, a concept, that no longer ceased to exist. i could have self-combusted into a million fragments of who i used to be and you would have been none the wiser.
it was as if my life had started glitching, all the colours fading into monochrome as i went about my day, forgetting how it was to feel.
but i soon came to realise it was my win. i had escaped the claws of someone who hadn’t wanted me as much as i wanted them. i may have fallen prey to character assassination and had my heart stolen and given back to me in pieces.
yet here i am, seeing the world in harsher tones.
i like to stay in the shadows where people like you forget i exist. i like to shrug the memories off because they don’t faze me anymore. i don’t feel as much as i used to. or that’s what i like to tell myself.
because in reality, i’m just scared of giving my all to someone else. i don’t want to make it onto someone else’s hitlist. i don’t want to relive the same old same old story with somebody new, who in the end, turns out to be just like you, and you and every other person i gave my heart to.
but buried deep down somewhere amidst the chaos, is the belief that one day, someone will make me feel some kind of way, and renew my ability to believe in people again. i know i’m hurting. but i also know it won’t hurt forever. perhaps one day, i will cross paths with someone who makes me want to risk getting hurt all over again. and when that day comes, it’ll be a beautiful one.
because once again, my heart is on open market.
A/N this post is dedicated to all of us who are scared of giving our unconditional love away to friends, family, and lovers because we’ve been let down more than we care to count by people who pledged a forever kind of lasting love to us. it never gets easier, but alongside the journey of heartbreak, you will meet people who genuinely mean it when they say they’ll be your ride or die. having one real person in your life is so much more valuable than being surrounded by many people who flaunt words that fail to align with actions around.
and remember, with the right people, everything will fall into place naturally…even if deep down you are scared of opening your heart up again and making yourself vulnerable, the right people who make you feel safe, respected, will be able to connect and vibe with you easily. with time, without even realising it, you will have opened up and formed a genuine bond. and then you’ll realise despite protecting yourself from further hurt, you have it within yourself to overcome past challenges and believe in people again.
this post was partially inspired by a creative piece i read earlier this week. i had a lovely discussion on this topic with the writer, and if you’re intrigued enough, do check their post heart of stone out!
also, i’m planning to do a Q&A post soon…so if you do have any questions, leave them in the comments below. likewise, i’m open to collabing with anyone, and do have a few projects ongoing that you can get involved in. if your curiosity has been seduced, feel free to shoot me an email or drop by in the comments.
7 thoughts on “it was my win”
This is so poignant and powerful ✨ I can relate to feeling like this and yet I hadn’t truly realized it until this moment in time so thank you for sharing it so that I could figure that out 💫 People can hurt us and forget about it so easily expecting us to do the same before coming back wishing for that same friendship as before when that state can never be returned to. Here are a few questions for your q&a: Do you have more inspiration to write when you are happy/sad or in-between?, Where do you see yourself in 5 years time (emotionally + physically) and do you have a specific place that you write or can it happen anywhere? Great post! ⭐💕
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hi! thank you SO much for this lovely comment. waking up to it made my day! it’s so touching when you take the time to share your thoughts with me. it makes me feel 😦 that you also can relate to the emotions behind the words, but i’m very proud of you for not letting those experiences tear you down completely. what you said about people trying to return to friendships or relationships with acknowledging the hurt or negative emotions they’ve evoked, really speaks to me. it’s something that tears me apart cause i’m a very forgiving, loving person so i love to give out endless chances because people can change right…but we owe it to ourselves to look after ourselves, and how all this chance giving is making us feel!
it actually reminds me of a quote:
“just because you lost me as a friend, it doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. i’m bigger than that. i still want to see you eat. just not at my table”
and it’s a message i’ve been trying to reinforce with anyone who has run out of chances with me. i forgive you, but please don’t expect the same bond back but please also remember it’s all good vibes between us!
thank you again for your lovely response; it means a lot that it made you think and realise things ❤
love the questions and can't wait to answer them all soon x
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No problem, I’m glad it made you happy ✨ I love that quote!! Gotta remember it. I often try to keep the peace and welcome people back in but I let it be known that things aren’t the same because of their actions, my mind won’t let it be the same as the hurt is just too deep and often calculated but yeah that doesn’t mean I’m gonna abandon, I’m not like them, I can forgive and live in hope of being forgiven for my own actions too. Can’t wait to see your answers! Take care 💕Xx
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Thank you again for supporting my blog! How true it is that we won’t suffer for ever and, with every disappointing experience, we learn to get back up quicker and stronger! We live, we suffer, we learn, we grow…
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you’re very welcome! love your comment of determination