lost forever

soundtrack: find what you’re looking for – olivia o’brien

please listen to the song in the background whilst reading the following

this one’s dedicated to all of you who have walked away from people with devastation in your heart. this one’s dedicated to those of you who let someone go without realising what you were giving up and who you have just lost forever

i was never the one worthy of people’s love – well not forever. people cling to me on a temporary basis, and when they quench their short lived thirst for companionship, comfort, and love… leave me, they do. the last person who sought things they couldn’t find in me, before writing me off, broke me a little too much. broke me beyond giving one too many fucks.

no it’s not fun, to be the girl you hit and run

she’s the girl with the wholesome heart; the one who’ll heal your wounds whilst drowning in a pool of her own blood. she’s the one to sing you to sleep when reality haunts you, and the one to cradle you when escape cannot be found when night falls. she’s the one who’ll patch you up with unconditional love, and the one who’ll sacrifice parts of herself for you.

and after all, you’ve put me through, i’m sick and tired of loving you more

been hurt too much, by too many. a shame really, given her youthfulness hasn’t run out. a shame that past experiences have corrupted her once pure outlook on life and people into bitter, bitter colours. her soul feels empty. her mind is hollow. perhaps, each and every one of you that left her, took a part of her with you. all the love she had to give has been remoulded into self-love that fends for itself.

i just can’t give you what you’re looking for

she never had a chance. she tried her best to battle the insecurities, fears and doubts. surrendered her time, her vulnerability and trust to them. yet she still couldn’t give them what they were yearning for – what they were looking for.

i hope you find what you’re looking for

she wonders what everyone else has that she doesn’t. what she’s lacking and how long she’ll be incomplete for. time drags on, and still no one can find what they’re looking for in her.

baby, please, baby, baby, don’t leave

let her walk away. watch her go. you never asked her to stay, so leave she will. and once she breathes in what it feels like to be free of hands that take and not give back, she’ll never come running back. she’ll never stay again in a place where they stand burying her into her premature grave.

they say you don’t know what you’ve got, till it’s too late, i’m already gone

RIP to the girl you knew. the girl you used to know. and the girl you’ll never know. she’s never coming back. not for them, and not for anyone promising empty words.  she may not be good enough for them, but she’s above what they’re looking for. it’s too late to fix.

i don’t care, that you’re not here

the world may seem more lonely, but it’s far less suffocating. they may have broken her, but they also healed her. she’s doing just fine. she can sleep better knowing that she’s got herself till the very end.

won’t wipe my eyes, cause there’s no tears

it’s sad but it’s the sad truth. she’s used to it that she’s become invincible. no one else can touch her. hurt her. cause her to collapse and make her mind go insane. nice try baby, but she’s got no more tears left to cry over them or you. she’s felt all the pain she could, to ever need to feel that again.

im not what you wanted, not what you need

she’s numb to it all. she revels in the truth she’s not good enough or worthy of their love. that in the end, she’ll never be the one they’re looking for. made herself at home with the harsh truth she’s incapable of sustaining meaningful bonds, or retaining people’s love.

and that’s fine, i don’t know why i cared so much, i’m doing fine without your love

she’s no more nor no less broken than she already was. she’s doing just fine having let go of all her cares.

i never should have stayed

alas, it took her heart a couple hundred heartaches to learn that lesson, and recapture her self-worth.

she hopes they find what they were looking for. because she has.

and it wasn’t in the ruins of chasing after them.